Moms for Modesty Part II

Toddled Dredge did a post on the semantics of modesty vs. dignity. I find her argument compelling, but for the sake of continuity with Jules’ original post I will use modesty here.

“The way we dress . . . is a sign of who we are and how we wish to act in the world. It is vital that we get this language right.” – Carol Moynihan

When one reads about the issue of modesty in dress it is almost always related directly to religion. When I Googled “modesty in girls” about 65% of the articles I found were religion-based. This bothered me because I am not religious and I have a real problem with what passes for modesty in our society right now. In Michelle Malkin’s wonderful Clare Booth Luce Institute speech she discusses at one point a network that encourages Catholic girls to “stand up for their faith and their values in an increasingly secular and hostile world.” Although I agree with just about everything Ms. Malkin has to say in her speech, I want to point out that not all of us secular moms are hostile or condone the sexuality that is passing for morality in our society today. In fact, I know many secular moms who find themselves in the same boat as the moms citing scripture and we’re all fighting for the same thing: modesty. This isn’t only a religious issue. For me it is a family issue, a societal issue. I feel strongly that my daughter be raised modestly and that she and I have choices that do not include thong underwear, t-shirts with double entendres, and dresses that look like something adults would wear to a disco.

We are living in a society that no longer delays gratification. We don’t have to. Everything we desire is a click or a phone call away. We can overnight it. It can be delivered to our door in 30 minutes or it’s free. As adults we are so used to getting what we want when we want it that we forget it wasn’t always that way. We pass this sense of entitlement on to our children.

Wild Thing and I were playing dress up one day. We even did each other’s hair and make-up. Wild Thing then wanted to take a trip to the mall to show off our finery. I said no. She demanded to know why. So we sat down and as I cleaned off her make up and took down her hair I explained that we were only pretending. She was still a little girl and little girls have things to look forward to. If she were to have everything given to her at once (like going out of the house with make-up on) she would not have anything to look forward to and she would not appreciate the day she could finally wear make-up out of the house. We have had to have the discussion about several things and she has taken it well. She understands that with growth and maturity come responsibility and privilege. She understands, too, that those things are earned.

Last May, when Wild Thing turned six, I did a post on a particular toy and why we could not keep it. I have complained about inappropriate toys and clothing to my friends, but I have not done anything about it. I simply do not buy them. Then last week my very good friend Jules began a discourse on modesty in children’s clothing. I have thought and thought about it for a week. I began looking online to see what I could find and what other people thought. This post is a compilation of what I found.

Back in 2004 11-year-old Ella Gunderson wrote a letter to Nordstrom’s telling them she didn’t much like their limited choice of clothing options and that she felt she had to go around half naked if she shopped there. She caught the attention of two Nordstrom executives and the media. Nordstrom’s promised to try to provide more variety. In a FoxNews.com article More Girls Push Retailers to Sell Modest Clothing fashion experts said “a more modest look is in.” A Seventeen magazine fashion editor is quoted as saying, “If modesty is what she’s looking for, it’s going to come full force in the fall. We like to call this new girl Miss Modesty. It’s such a different feeling but still very pretty and feminine and sexy. It’s just a little more covered up. It’s kind of like a sexy take on a librarian.”

 I want to point out a few things here:

• This is the fashion editor for Seventeen. Not Elle. Not Cosmo. Seventeen. How old were you when you read that magazine? I was about 13. Think about the fact that they are pushing sexy librarian clothing to tweens and early teens and saying that it’s modest (“We like to call this new girl Miss Modesty.”).
• Either they are missing the point (we do not want sex sold to our children) or they think we are idiots and we will be so enamored with the ideas of Miss Modesty and librarian we won’t notice the word sexy thrown in there.
• Do any of you remember the Hot for Teacher video from Van Halen in the 80s? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the sexy librarian a fantasy for most tween/teen/men? This is not what I want being marketed to my daughter.
• This article is from 2004. It’s now almost the end of 2006. I don’t remember any of this coming to fruition so it’s all kind of moot, isn’t it? It appears to me that we are simply getting a lot of lip service and very little action.

 In her speech Ms. Malkin brought up something else I was completely unaware of: In 2004, Abercrombie & Fitch marketed thong underwear to size 6x and above (honestly I have no idea if they are still marketing this). This underwear (can you even call it underwear?) had the words Eye Candy or Wink Wink written on the front. Hampton Carney, spokesman for A&F, called the thongs, “cute and fun and sweet.” Malkin gives the definition of “pedophilia chic: A grown man getting paid to say that he thinks dressing pre-teens in rearless underwear is ‘cute and fun and sweet.’”

Disturbing? To say the very least. In what alternate reality is this acceptable? Every parent that shrugs their shoulders and just goes with the flow because their child whines and says all the other kids are doing it should be shot. Your job as the parent is to set limits and enforce those boundaries. Show some strength and stamina and raise these kids! Pick your battles, yes, but make sure you are picking the right ones. At some point our children may decide to rebel. It is the nature of the teen to look for shock value and re-test those boundaries. As parents that time will undoubtedly be stressful. I hope I will have done a good enough job instilling a sense of modesty and self esteem in my children that no matter where they go or how far they push they will have in themselves a sense of when to stop.

I’m pretty laid back. I make mistakes. I say live and let live. Some things, though? Some things I cannot let go. Some things I will fight for that may seem to make no sense to others. Some things I will go to the mattresses for on principle alone. I will fight and argue and stew even when there is no point in going on simply because of the principle. Is this one of those issues? Does this issue have no hope? I think it does have hope. I know it has principle. Let’s pull together and make a difference. A real difference. Not a difference that would have happened anyway because that’s-the-way-the-trend-was-going, but an honest to goodness we-heard-you-and-we-get-it difference. A we-respect-you-and-your-child difference. We can do this. Go sign Jules’ petition. Write your own post and link it up. Grab the button and put it on your site. Let your voice be heard.